So it's a bit radical... So what?

I never thought I had to worry about labels... Because though I had tons of those posted on all the space that is my being, not one described me so fully and accurately that they lost whatever pun or destiny they attempted to impose on me.

I will be who I want to be at that moment, in that place, with those people. There is rarely a plan -that's just silly. And I've gone on with my life so liberally fixed on the idea that no, I'm not anybody's "I-think-you'll-be-this".

But I guess it's true what they say about you becoming who your life experiences shape you to be.

And it looks like all the choices I've made in the past 20 years now have a collective reflection of who I am and who I am destined to be.

Eeeeennnnnnggggggkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!

I can just imagine the look on their faces -these people who had so passionately dreamed me up in their minds -as they furrow their brows, twitch their noses and cast flabbergasted expressions at me.

I can be many things but in the end, I will still be who I want to be and right now, that's a woman with a life that's full, happy and leading somewhere wonderful.

True, that life doesn't include a spacious 26th floor office with a view of the city, a shiny, little red sports car and a limitless credit card. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a corporate executive (or maybe not yet) but then so what?

To tell you the truth, I never really believed that I needed that to be happy.

What I need, is the man I love, my children, our life together and doing what has always been my passion -writing.

It will not end here. In fact, it will all be new beginnings for me.

And I think that's what I need right now: a new beginning.

A new beginning of a life I did not lift from the pile of expectations people had set for me.

Should I stumble and fall on my knees and hurt myself, I will not cry and regret it. Because I can only rise and move on. Because regrets have no room in a life that is short where opportunities for joy are quickly passing.

I am a strong woman. Stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. Young, yes, I am. But then I never believed strength was determined by age. Strength is in our hearts -tested by our fears, reinforced by pain and made enduring by our courage.

I will walk down that aisle, glorious, ready and beautiful, because I know that that man whose hand I will begin to hold that day until forever, is a man who will always cherish and love me, and that our life down the road, will be the sweetest and the most enduring that I will ever know.

The Subaru Episode

So Murray finally got the new window for his car. Don't even get me started - it crushed my heart when I heard what happened because I knew how much he loved the new car..

Like most things that got better.. It'd be nice to go for a drive with him in it.. We'll get our turn, we will.. There is still a long road leading to that but we will get there..

Sometimes I worry that many things will go wrong.. But like Domino Harvey would say, there's always a 50-50 chance of things either going well or not.. I'm taking a side and that's for things to go well.. At this point, it's your only choice..

I hope he's happier...

It Gets Better

There are days when you just feel like standing in the middle of a busy road, waiting for a speeding truck to hit you.

These are days when your boss is calling you at three in the morning, just when you've finally fallen asleep after a 2-hour bout with nausea, to tell you that you need to get your butt to work for a 4-hour methodology training..

These are days when you can graze the floor of your now-roomy purse because you're running out of money.. Days when you stare at the mirror and see the dark half moons under your eyes and the dark brown lump that is your hair.. Days when you just want to sleep but your mother walks in to talk about the floor plan for the bathroom you are financing to get renovated.. Days when you wake up starving from a 2-hour sleep only to find there is no food in the fridge.. Days when you feel like being cheered up and you check your messenger contact list only to find your boyfriend's not online...

So yeah, these days happened one after another the past week and I had the slightest temptation to pause while crossing the street just to see if a truck will come speeding by... But I'm glad I didn't..

I'm glad that i stuck it out holding on to very little hope that it will get better...

Simply because I know it will get better.. It always does.. = P

Beauty and Madness... Love and Catastrophe... Life and Reasons for it...

They swirl in my head... Thoughts encumbering my sanity in astronomical speed -slowmotioning in the vast realm of space and particles of life.. gathering to form galaxies of thought undiscovered..

I'm not trying to be deep.. Right now, my soul speaks poetry as it often used to before my being had been branded mechanical by work and mundane routines.

As i sit here in my now-cool room contemplating on the hopes and hardships coming my way, I am struck with a nostalgic sense of epiphany.. A brush on the strings of my heart, creating a new hum for the lullabye of my mind..

Beauty is ethereal when the mind does not understand reality and its necessity to be occasionally ugly and rough. For if reality were a dream of all stars and rainbows and sunshine, beauty cannot be told.. For significance cannot be drawn without comparison over such the reasons for its significance can be made apparent.

I am no creature of physical perfection. Rather, I am flawed in every way possible yet I feel no inferiority for my mind knows I'm beautiful in aspects that mean something to the world. A beautiful mind where brilliance exhibits itself in different forms can contribute to the furthering of humanity in this age. A beautiful heart can hold more than hope in the lives of those needing such in tremendous amount. A beautiful sense of direction can draw more maps for the confused youth. A beautiful sense of life can teach more about hope and spiritual endurance. A beautiful grasp of faith can root more souls into God's saving ground for the many needing mercy and compassion.

So millions cannot be made on the smoothness of my skin or the luster of my hair. But i have the world, hanging on to my faith in myself, as each of us should do. If we all believe in the beauty we possess and the salvation that it means to the world, perhaps we will not have teenagers hating who they are and destroying what they know they can never escape -themselves. If only we can recognize what beauty we own, we will perhaps understand we deserve more than destructive relationships and patterns of behavior. If only we knew that beauty can be defined in terms of who we are best, then perhaps more of us will wake up and smile at reflections and decide not to hate the world today.

As for love, my heart is full... I am in love... I have always been in love for it is such a light feeling following my toes everywhere.. creating the illusion of dance and grace. Oh but when you trip, the sprain resonates to the heart and careless steps turn into crashes and injuries forever causing an almost missable limp the moment we begin to walk again.

I always find myself gravitating to where tenderness resides. I am like a thistle following the wind, carried anywhere but always rough and painful to hold steady. Oh, but I crave the tenderness. Much did I wonder before. If thistles like me and the rest of the world had any privilege with love when most of what we do is hurt those who try. But I discovered that asking one's worthiness for love is fatal - because we will never finish the list that was never meant to be filled out to begin with. If love is the love Jesus died for, then we need no reason to deserve it. For love isn't love as long as it entails conditions. And when we start measuring ourselves with reasons the superficial world imposed, we will end up walking away with a defeated spirit, about to believe love is not for us.

I know love is often a pain. A pain we will rather live with than to never know our whole life. But the peace it brings, the tenderness it wraps you in, the quiet bliss it gives your heart, will always surmount the sacrifices love will require.

Love dazzles. Often it blinds. But it gives you a glimpse of stars. And the key to staying in love is remembering the stars....when the man you married loses a job, gets sick, starts to forget, strays to the arms of another woman... You forgive and hold on to the stars. Because love, especially marriage, is held together not just by love alone but also by friendship and the astounding ability to forgive who the other cannot become and accept and continue to love the best versions they can be. I do not expect my husband to give me a life straight out of the perfect family portrait. I expect him to be human and hurt me in ways I may not expect. But the reason why I'm walking down that aisle soon, is that in my heart I have decided to forgive who he cannot always be for me and be content with who I know he is: a good man who will always try to live up to what he promised me, but who I know, will be weak at some point. But that's okay. I will forgive for I expect the same: forgiveness for who I cannot be for him and our children all the time.

So my life, as ruthless as it may sometimes be, and ironic, in a lot of ways, is still something I'm grateful for... I know no bitterness for I do not have time for it. I am lent my life and I plan to make full use of it. I am happy because this is how life should be: happy. And that it only takes setting your mind to it. Adjusting your lenses and seeing the blessings rather that what are missing.

I know some day I will read this again and scoff at myself, thinking, what the hell did I know then... My ideals as a child approaching adulthood will become ironic jokes for me in the years to come but I will continue to hold on to them, for come the day my hair is gray and my only comfort are the warmth of my husband's hand in mine and the voices of my children and their own children, I know I will believe them again.

My small, crazy, Filipino wedding...

Between work and sleep and the little quirks of my life, where do i squeeze in all this wedding planning???

Hmm..It's too early, but a girl has to be ready!

I miss my murray...

Come back soon...

Englishera Galore!!!

It's been a long time since I scribbled virtually.. hehe, i've been without a computer for more than a month now.. it's in the shop..

but all that's cool.. work has been keeping me busy..

I'm a communication specialist now.. Simply put, I'm supposed to be an expert in the english language...hahaha..

I never realized my "inglesera" status would do me some actual good..hehe..but it's humbling how the job has taught me that i don't know everything.. that no valley accent could cover for a screwed up grammar structure..hehe..

but the greatest thing of it all is that i get to help people.. I help agents speak better and perform in the best that they can..

so i guess, my job's not just to sound all "inta"... hehehe...

good, good, good... =P

The Divine Secrets of the Jan-Rai Sisterhood

This is Manang Terai -my half sister. She's about 16 years older than me and with different mothers and all, we didn't grow up together. But we've never had problems. She's a real cool sister. She lets me sleepover and hang out with my nephews and neices. She drags me along summer vacations and she supports me in everything.

I wish we can have more time to hang out and bond in the future -I've always wanted a big sister and I believe now that I'm older and more mature, that's very much possible.

I miss her and her kids all the time but at least every moment spent with them is unforgettable..

Thanks for being there Manang, and for supporting me all the way..

Hehe..

Sherbet Sisters

Happy...

I'd go crazy in Dell if it weren't for my gurlfriendz...

Gracie gid ho....

Co-camwhore ko...

Dason naman.. Damo pa ni..

==="-"===

The Past Doesn't Forget...

Have you ever screwed up so bad in life you begin to think no one will forget? That one catastrophe will forever mar your existence?

I didn't think I could be ruined with one sin --no matter how bad it was.

Until today.

Today i learned that the past could forgive but it never forgets...

I might lose a job for getting sick, that's all really. This whole drama just moved a macroscopic expanse. I guess, what i know now, doesn't just apply to this job I'm trying to get.

I think i fairly understand that what we decide on today will make or break us someday and that though battlescars are impressive proofs of our fought glory, they are indications too that we have been weak.

I will not claim perfection for i did not earn at least any close semblance to it.

In fact, i was one of those who loved the mess that i was.

But then, i grew to realize that not everyone can tolerate a mess. And I'm just unlucky that my boss is one of them.

If i get this job, then great, maybe I can redeem myself. If not, then we'll see..

I can always go to the junkyard after, hehehe..

Missing Murray

It's so easy to be happy, to want nothing else --if only everything else that mattered were within reach.

I miss my boyfriend. My days are busy. I don't have a lot of time to actually think about it, but I think about it all the time. I wander around malls imagining what he would say about this nice white summer dress I saw or how he would react to eating chicken inasal with bare hands and if he would think of me as a pig if he saw me eat.

The good thing about the future, when the present isn't heaven, is that it's got a fair shot of being great as much as it can turn out badly.

And so far, my sun is shining bright and I see no rain clouds in the horizon.

I only wish right now, I were with him basking in the glorious sunshine...

The Fish That Flies...

I am not used to failing. I'm not saying I do things right all the time, but I know what I am capable of. The thing about it though, is that I'm only good at what I love.. or at least patient with what I enjoy doing.

Right now, I have a job that I really didn't dream or. It's a good paying job and I love the people but even if i started out with flying colors, I'm now quickly sliding off the slope, arms flailing helplessly in the air.

Happiness is a choice -I've always said that. But I know it's difficult to believe and practice. I can choose to be happy with this job. I am, in a way. But I know this is not what I was cut out for. This is not something I can be incredible at. And the longer I stay, the more tortured I feel.

I wish I could quit. And go after something I actually want. Because right now, I feel like a fish trying fly with wings that are not there.

But this is the way it has to be for now.

I only wish my sanity doesn't depart from me...

The Dream Guy

He should be 6'1" tall, flawless, chiseled, with almond brown eyes, washboard abs, a Porsche, a reputation for being the most eligible bachelor, a devotion to commitment, a fat wallet and complete and total adoration for you.

Yup, that sounds like an apt description for every girl's dream guy. He just has to have it all.

But anyone who has it all is pretty much nonexistent. There is just no such person on earth.

Either he looks like a god driving a Jag but he cheats on you, or a total geek who makes you laugh and hugs you at the end of a long, exhausting day.

And since it's just the way it has always been with relationships, it all boils down to the main point of making your choice: do you go after the dream guy or the guy in whose life you are the dream?

Unfortunately, we can't negotiate.

I never try to.

Well, probably because I'm not given much choice. But that set aside, it's because I always knew what choice I wanted to make.

Let's just say I have always been in the position to choose my men. That's why I've always gotten bombarded with curious questions of why I always went after the geeky types.

First of all, I don't think there's anything remotely wrong with being a geek. If a person is smart, and maybe a little passionate about it, he has every right to be it. We'll be who we want to be.

Second, I want guys who are intelligent. I'd rather go out with someone who can have meaningful conversations with me and be sincere (even if a bit clumsy) at showing his feelings for me.

I am bored, sickened and appalled by men who has shinier shoes than mine, who know more designers than I do, has more hair products piled up on his mane than I have and flirts with practically anything with a skirt on.

I don't want a trophy boyfriend who looks good around other people and becomes a selfish monster when we get home and there's no one watching.

I don't want a guy who can lavish upon me all the luxuries of the world, but barely listens, compliments my dress or tucks me in and kisses me goodnight before we go to sleep.

I want a guy who can laugh his heart out, wear what he wants, hold me when I need it, take care of me when I'm sick, be a man for me and for us, and be himself because he is at peace with who he is.

And I really don't care if along with all those qualities, is a penchant for all things geeky and amusing.

My man reads magazine articles about pluto, researches sea levels and how it can affect the building I work in, gets a haircut against my fashionable instincts because he wants to be comfortable and wants to have venus flytraps as home plants.

Geeky alright but I love it!

I love it because I know it's him and not some typical Hollywood bachelor he's trying to copy. I love it because it's part of the total package I have learned to respect, love and adore.

And I don't think that if he was someone else, I'd want him as much as I do now.

I guess the bottomline of all this is that, the dream guy is described exactly the way it's defined: a guy we dream up and wish to have.

And the only way for that dream to become reality is for us to align those standards to what's real and possible.

Know for a fact that no one is perfect or that there is anyone on this earth who has it all.

Instead of looking for a guy who is the exact dream you have, shape your dream guy based on the one you're with, who makes you happy and who you know is good for you.

It will slowly become clear, that some dreams, are realities we just fail to recognize even when they're already right in front of us..

The Truth About Love

Love is a fool's sanity and a sane man's foolishness.

Oh yeah, it's complicated alright.

Leaving someone because you love them too much, not saying it out loud when it feels like bursting out of you, hoping when you know there is nothing there to hope for, falling when all you wanted to do was fight against it.

I told myself once that I will always have the upperhand on love --that it was the only way to beat it, that to have it control me will be the end of my sanity.

But love is like a force of nature --unpredictable, unstoppable and most of all, it destroys only to always start something new.

I have been destroyed --so many times I'm amazed at the endurance of my heart muscles. But always, all the time, something new begins in me.

I love often and many, but rarely do I make it a lifetime.

The last time I did, I walked out when I wanted to stay, I let go when I wanted to hold on. Because love as preached in the Bible, is woven along the same thread of prudence, faith, sacrifice and selflessness that in deciding to love, you agree to all its terms and that one day, when it asks of you, you can't refuse.

Yes, letting go seared me a great deal. Lifetimes are the hardest to let go, you know?

But salvation came to me incredibly quick.

So here I go again beginning another lifetime, literally and figuratively.

I thought you can only go down this road once but no, the truth about love is that you can do it over and over again, assured in the knowledge that though you'll slip and sprain an ankle, you will always find people who will stop by and pick you up and carry you along.

And yes, the losing and finding over and over again can be crazy and frightening, but it's the only way there is, for you can never lose what was never yours and like most things on earth, we will always lose what we have --beauty, wealth, people we love.

The good thing about it is the knowledge of the many we loved and hoped in.

That life had been full because we took the chance everytime it presented itself to us.

The truth about love is that we will always think we have it all figured out, only to realize that we actually don't.

The only thing we can do, is never miss a chance to keep trying and eventually fiinding it out.

Happiness

People spend so much time and money just to find it --to experience it, to think that at least once, it had been real for them.

No, I don't have a private jet, a collection of Gucci bags or Blahnik shoes, a perfect face and body, a PHd at Microphysics or Prince William for a boyfriend.

I screw up frequently, I have a few regrets, several wishes and plenty of scars --but the thing is, I know it's part of why I can be grateful and happy for the times that I don't srew up, make no regrets or have nothing to wish for, and save my knees from many other scrapes.

Happiness is a relative term.

If you ask me if I'm happy, yes, I'm happy.

Then why just happy and not happiest?

Because if you're only happy, you could get happier.

And i realize that this could be best because the moment we hit the happiest wall, with nothing to ask for, life loses its meaning and we find ourselves lacking of what to work hard for anymore.

You see, we are happy when we have hope, that though today is great, we think tomorrow can be awesome.