They swirl in my head... Thoughts encumbering my sanity in astronomical speed -slowmotioning in the vast realm of space and particles of life.. gathering to form galaxies of thought undiscovered..
I'm not trying to be deep.. Right now, my soul speaks poetry as it often used to before my being had been branded mechanical by work and mundane routines.
As i sit here in my now-cool room contemplating on the hopes and hardships coming my way, I am struck with a nostalgic sense of epiphany.. A brush on the strings of my heart, creating a new hum for the lullabye of my mind..
Beauty is ethereal when the mind does not understand reality and its necessity to be occasionally ugly and rough. For if reality were a dream of all stars and rainbows and sunshine, beauty cannot be told.. For significance cannot be drawn without comparison over such the reasons for its significance can be made apparent.
I am no creature of physical perfection. Rather, I am flawed in every way possible yet I feel no inferiority for my mind knows I'm beautiful in aspects that mean something to the world. A beautiful mind where brilliance exhibits itself in different forms can contribute to the furthering of humanity in this age. A beautiful heart can hold more than hope in the lives of those needing such in tremendous amount. A beautiful sense of direction can draw more maps for the confused youth. A beautiful sense of life can teach more about hope and spiritual endurance. A beautiful grasp of faith can root more souls into God's saving ground for the many needing mercy and compassion.
So millions cannot be made on the smoothness of my skin or the luster of my hair. But i have the world, hanging on to my faith in myself, as each of us should do. If we all believe in the beauty we possess and the salvation that it means to the world, perhaps we will not have teenagers hating who they are and destroying what they know they can never escape -themselves. If only we can recognize what beauty we own, we will perhaps understand we deserve more than destructive relationships and patterns of behavior. If only we knew that beauty can be defined in terms of who we are best, then perhaps more of us will wake up and smile at reflections and decide not to hate the world today.
As for love, my heart is full... I am in love... I have always been in love for it is such a light feeling following my toes everywhere.. creating the illusion of dance and grace. Oh but when you trip, the sprain resonates to the heart and careless steps turn into crashes and injuries forever causing an almost missable limp the moment we begin to walk again.
I always find myself gravitating to where tenderness resides. I am like a thistle following the wind, carried anywhere but always rough and painful to hold steady. Oh, but I crave the tenderness. Much did I wonder before. If thistles like me and the rest of the world had any privilege with love when most of what we do is hurt those who try. But I discovered that asking one's worthiness for love is fatal - because we will never finish the list that was never meant to be filled out to begin with. If love is the love Jesus died for, then we need no reason to deserve it. For love isn't love as long as it entails conditions. And when we start measuring ourselves with reasons the superficial world imposed, we will end up walking away with a defeated spirit, about to believe love is not for us.
I know love is often a pain. A pain we will rather live with than to never know our whole life. But the peace it brings, the tenderness it wraps you in, the quiet bliss it gives your heart, will always surmount the sacrifices love will require.
Love dazzles. Often it blinds. But it gives you a glimpse of stars. And the key to staying in love is remembering the stars....when the man you married loses a job, gets sick, starts to forget, strays to the arms of another woman... You forgive and hold on to the stars. Because love, especially marriage, is held together not just by love alone but also by friendship and the astounding ability to forgive who the other cannot become and accept and continue to love the best versions they can be. I do not expect my husband to give me a life straight out of the perfect family portrait. I expect him to be human and hurt me in ways I may not expect. But the reason why I'm walking down that aisle soon, is that in my heart I have decided to forgive who he cannot always be for me and be content with who I know he is: a good man who will always try to live up to what he promised me, but who I know, will be weak at some point. But that's okay. I will forgive for I expect the same: forgiveness for who I cannot be for him and our children all the time.
So my life, as ruthless as it may sometimes be, and ironic, in a lot of ways, is still something I'm grateful for... I know no bitterness for I do not have time for it. I am lent my life and I plan to make full use of it. I am happy because this is how life should be: happy. And that it only takes setting your mind to it. Adjusting your lenses and seeing the blessings rather that what are missing.
I know some day I will read this again and scoff at myself, thinking, what the hell did I know then... My ideals as a child approaching adulthood will become ironic jokes for me in the years to come but I will continue to hold on to them, for come the day my hair is gray and my only comfort are the warmth of my husband's hand in mine and the voices of my children and their own children, I know I will believe them again.
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